To begin, a quick note that I probably should've added at the beginning of this blog. However, I didn't, so I'm adding it now, just in case you are new to this blog. But, if not, I'm sure you've probably already seen that my posts aren't necessarily just updates on how the team is doing, what we're doing to prepare, etc. I mainly started this blog because I wanted to be able to share with you, my dear readers, some of the things that God has been teaching me, reminding me of, and using to (sometimes painfully, but always for good) grow me on this amazing journey He has blessed me to be able to go on. I also wanted to give you a peek on what it's like (in one person's experience) to be on one's first ever short term ministry trip.
And now back to the post, which is an interruption of sorts to my "series" on attitudes...
Inadequate. If there was only one word I could choose to sum up my feelings as we draw closer and closer to the "D.o.D." or Day of Departure, that would be the one. I feel so inadequate to be one of the eight people chosen to represent my beloved family, my beloved fellowship group, Sojourners, my beloved college group, LIFE, my beloved church, Grace Community, and the church as a whole, but most of all my beloved Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. On the one hand, this scares me, because I know how inadequate I am. I see the daily sin in my life and it scares me and I know that God sees all the sin in my life, even those I don't realize and that scares me even more. On the other hand, I know in a sense that this is good for me. Because, if I didn't feel inadequate I would be even more full of pride than I already am, and that would be horrible. I need all the help I can get in my pride killing, so in this sense I am thankful for this feeling of inadequacy. As John Owen said, "Be killing sin, or sin will be killing you." And pride is pretty much the root of sin, or at least the majority of sin, or so I've been told. It was definitely at the root of the original sin.
I'm also realizing that inadequacy is not necessarily a bad feeling. It has made me draw nearer to God and just pray, and pray hard. It has also made me realize how unnecessary I am. God is sovereign. I am not. He chose me for this ministry for a reason, I just don't know what it is yet. He can use even the weakest of His vessels, I just pray it is in a manner where He receives all the glory and not me. I am a weak clay pot, I have no right to anything and yet He has blessed me so abundantly. I am still wondering why He is choosing to use me in this manner, but I am so thankful He is. I just don't want to be useless. That is something I fear, to be useless or rendered useless.
I may quite possibly be the only "Bible" these students read. I just pray that I am a good "Bible". I'm learning that attitude matters a lot. People are watching, always watching to see if those who claim to be Christ's truly act like it.
My deepest fear is that I would live in a way that profanes and defames the name and reputation of the One who gave me everything. And I know me. It is so easy for me to dishonor Christ in my sin. I sin everyday! Sometimes I ask myself, have I done anything but sin today? I don't want to, but I do. I am often so impatient, easily frustrated, unkind, and unloving. And I hate it. I hate that the hearing of the gospel might be ruined because of my sin and my sinful attitudes. At the same time I know that God can use even my sin for His glory, because He is so much greater. He is totally and fully sovereign. He's in control. So, that's my prayer that I will learn humility, consider others more important than myself, be an energy giver rather than an energy taker in order to be a clean, useful vessel for my Lord Jesus Christ. Pray that I will keep my eyes fully focussed on my Lord, and not worry about myself! He is my Lord and I am His slave, and I want to live that out. May my hands, feet, words, actions, prayers be done in honor of Him. The results are in His hands! Praise the Lord!
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